Cartman Claus
by Gregtheimaginative
Summary: After an incident involving hair growth formula, Cartman grows a white Santa beard and gets mocked! Will HE deliver the presents instead when Santa goes missing?
1. Chapter 1

South Park: Cartman Claus

**Disclaimer: I don't own South Park. By the way I know at the time of writing it may still be a month to go until Christmas, but this was such a good idea I couldn't wait until someone coincidentally used it. This takes place right after my other story, The Revenge of Bebe. **

Chapter 1: The Hair Growth Formula

It was nearly the end of the school day at South Park Elementary. It had been at least a month since the events of the big fight, the attempted burning at the stake and the rock concert all in one. Some maintenance guys were trying to fish a dead cat out of the water tank. The water tank had pipes leading to all the drinking fountains and bathroom sinks in South Park Elementary. The maintenance guys managed to fish the dead cat out, but just then one maintenance guy noticed the other maintenance guy's beard.

"How did you grow that thing so fast?" asked Maintenance Guy One.

"I just used Super Hair Growth Formula," explained Maintenance Guy Two. "One splash and you'll get a beard the next day. Look, I'll show you."

But when he pulled the bottle of Super Hair Growth Formula out of his pocket, he accidentally somehow dropped it in the water tank.

"Ah, CRAP!" exclaimed Maintenance Guy Two. "NOW what's going to happen??!!"

Just then the bell rang, and the kids walked out of the school.

"Dude, extra maths is soooo boring," moaned Cartman. "I'm gonna go splash some water on my face, might help wake me up."

Cartman went into the bathroom and splashed some water on his face in the sink, which was of course connected to the water tank the hair growth formula had been dropped in. He then ran back outside to meet the boys and walk home.

**BIG MISTAKE, CARTMAN!!!!** **Chapter 2 coming soon. Imagine his face when he gets up and looks in the mirror the next morning!**


	2. Chapter 2: Here Comes Mr Grumpy!

Chapter 2: Here Comes Mr Grumpy!

The next morning, Cartman got out of bed and went into the bathroom.

As he was walking in, he thought _"Thank God it's Saturday. No school, and best of all, I can stay at home all day playing video games to stay out of that stupid Jew boy's way."_

But then he looked in the bathroom mirror and he noticed something different about him. Very different.

"JESUS JIMINY CRICKET CHRIST!!!!!" he shouted in surprise. "WHAT THE HELL!!!"

Cartman immediately assumed that this was Kyle's fault, so he went downstairs.

"Don't you want your breakfast, honey?" called his mother Liane.

"Who cares about mah damn breakfast!?" yelled Cartman as he stormed out the front door to go to Kyle's house. "Ah want VENGEANCE!!!!"

Cartman marched angrily to Kyle's house, and knocked on the front door. Sheila, Kyle's mom, who was of course a big fat (B-word), opened the door.

"Where's Kyle?!" ordered Cartman.

"Oh, he went downtown with his friends so they could see the Christmas decorations being put up early." replied Sheila. "And how dare you speak to me like that!"

Cartman began to run towards the town centre. Meanwhile, Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Butters were already over there.

"I sense a disturbance in the force, Stan" said Kyle.

"Why?" asked Stan.

"I have the feeling something pretty crazy and unusual is gonna happen today." said Kyle.

Ironically, it did. Cartman came running towards Kyle.

"Dude, what the HELL happened to his face?!" exclaimed Kenny.

Cartman ran up to Kyle.

"YOU ASSHOLE!!!!!" screamed Cartman in Kyle's face. "WHY THE HELL DO AH HAVE A F(bleep)ING SANTA BEARD!!???"

"I don't think you should say the F-word about Santa!" cried Butters worryingly.

"F(bleep) SANTA! F(bleep) SANTA! F(bleep) SANTA!!!" shouted Cartman repeatedly.

"Holy hamburgers!" cried Butters.

Cartman began to trash up the street. People pointed and laughed at him. Even the children. "Calm down, Santa!" they yelled while continuing to laugh.

"Hey, kids, have a Silent Night by SHUTTING YOUR TRAPS!" replied Cartman angrily.

Cartman walked past Chucky from Child's Play. "Dude, you need to watch your language!" said Chucky.

"YOU'RE ONE TO TALK!" answered Cartman, picking Chucky up and slam-dunking him into a garbage can.

**A fine demonstration of Mr Grumpy, ladies and gentlemen! But could things get any worse? You'll just have to find out in the next chapter!**


	3. Chapter 3: The Plan

Chapter 3: The Plan

Apparently, someone who worked with the local news channel had seen Cartman going crazy and had reported him to the local news station.

The news crew was in the studio, getting ready to go on the air.

"Ok," said the cameraman. "We are live in 3…2…1…action!"

"Good day" said the News Reporter. "Our top story today, a nine year old hooligan with a Santa beard has gone crazy today, trashing up the street and Christmas decorations. We now go live to the hooligan himself, young Eric Cartman. Eric, what do you have to say about this?"

Cartman spoke into the microphone. "It was that Jew Boy, I tells ya! He must have snuck into mah room and stuck this goddamn Santa beard on with superglue!"

"I don't think you should say that about Santa!" suggested the News Reporter.

"GODDAMN SANTA! GODDAMN SANTA!" cried Cartman.

"Ok," said the News Reporter. "Maybe we should just go straight to our second most top story. We don't want this to get out of hand."

After the news had gone off the air, the News Reporter asked to have Cartman in the studio later that day, as he had something "important" to discuss with him.

Later that day, Cartman reluctantly walked into the news studio.

"Hi!" greeted the News reporter. "I've been waiting for you. Here, take a seat."

The fat boy sat down.

"Now, are we alone?"

Cartman looked around. "Yes," he replied "And you're not going to do anything weird to me, are you?"

"No," said the News Reporter. "I want to tell you something that I'm supposed to tell everyone about on the news later tonight, but I thought it wouldn't be a good idea because kids might be watching."

"Kids? At that time of night?" wondered Cartman.

"Yeah, well, you know, they might be staying up to watch Terrance and Phillip," explained the News Reporter. "Now, to the point, Santa Claus has gone missing."

"WHAT??!!" exclaimed Cartman, banging his fist on the table in surprise.

"Yes, that's right," explained the News Reporter. "The REAL Santa Claus has gone missing. He was last seen flying over Mumbai testing his new sleigh. I don't think we'll see him again for a long time. Anyway, if I let the kids know on live television about him going missing, they'd be really upset and think that Christmas is ruined. Now, they NEED to get presents this year, so I've come up with a plan."

"What's the plan then?" asked Cartman.

"I want you," requested the News Reporter, "To buy loads of toys and deliver them all on the 24th."

"Whoa, NO WAY DUDE," protested Cartman. "I don't wanna work my butt off on Christmas Eve!"

"But you have to!" said the News Reporter. "It'll make up for all the damage you did today, because all the money you use to buy the presents will help repair the Christmas decorations in South Park! Besides, we can't have a Christmas without presents, can we?"

Cartman thought for a minute. "Hmm…you've got a point there buddy," agreed Cartman. "A Christmas without presents would suck. FINE, I'LL DO IT!!"

"Good!" said the News Reporter.

"Are you gonna make it easy for me?" asked Cartman.

"I'm afraid not," said the News Reporter. "You'll have to deliver all the presents to everyone in South Park, AND DENVER."

"DENVER TOO?! AH, CRAP!" cried Cartman.

**At least Cartman will be doing a good thing to make up for the bad thing he did! Chapter 4 coming soon!**


	4. Chapter 4: The South Park Mall

Chapter 4: The South Park Mall

Meanwhile, Stan and Bebe were at the South Park Mall. Bebe wanted to buy a present for Wendy to show that she'd always be her best friend.

Stan and Bebe were in McDonalds sat at a table, eating their burgers.

"It's great that you and Wendy have been friends again for over a month now." said Stan.

"Yeah," said Bebe. "Sometimes she can be a pain in the ass but she's still my best friend."

"You know what I think we should get for Wendy," suggested Stan, "One of those cute little stuffed dolphins everyone's been talking about. After all, she LOVES dolphins. They're like the second smartest creatures on the planet."

"That's not a bad idea," replied Bebe. "Anyway, speaking of animals, have you heard about the new movie with talking animals called _Bad Dogz_? It's about a puppy named Ace who joins a team of secret agent dogs who want to take down an organisation of terrorist cats. The terrorist cats want to sabotage a scientist's formula so it gives everyone in the world AIDS."

"Yeah, I've heard of that movie," said Stan. "I really wanted to see it. Too bad it's rated R."

"You could just sneak in," tempted Bebe, "You've done it before, haven't you?"

"I could," explained Stan, "But then I'd just start another war again, wouldn't I?"

Bebe laughed.

Stan and Bebe finished their food and went to get Wendy's present. Stan had talked with Bebe all day. But then the thought hit him hard. He and Bebe were starting to become good friends!

"_Uh Oh,"_ thought Stan. "_What are the other guys gonna say about this?!"_

Stan and Bebe walked through the mall and that's when they noticed Cartman.

"What are you doing here, fatass?" asked Stan. "And why are you dressed in that Santa outfit?"

"Hey, no time to explain, hippie!" yelled Cartman. "I've gotta buy all these gifts before Christmas Eve!"

Cartman showed Stan a list.

"Whoa, you've gotta buy all that?" asked Stan. "I hope your ass is fat enough to carry it all."

"GODDAMNIT!" cried Cartman. "Can't you see I'm not in the best of moods right now? Everyone thinks I'm Santa!"

A little girl came up to Cartman. "Hey Mommy, look! It's Santa!" she squeaked, pointing at Cartman.

Cartman gave the little girl the finger and shouted "Shut up, or I'll fart in YOUR MOUTH!"

The little girl started crying and ran away, screaming "MOMMY!"

"Oh, well done, fatass!" yelled Stan. "If you're supposed to be Santa you should at least be NICE to children, asshole! Come on Bebe, let's go."

Stan and Bebe walked away, leaving Cartman standing there.

"_I guess I'd better get on with buying all those presents,"_ thought Cartman.


	5. Chapter 5: Cartman's Little Helper

Chapter 5: Cartman's Little Helper

Cartman went to all the toy shops and gadget shops in the South Park Mall, and bought every single item from them. One of the cashiers asked Cartman "If you're Santa, why don't you just use magic to make toys?"

"Because," explained Cartman, "There's no such thing as magic!"

Suddenly a boy with a scar on his forehead and black robes walked out of nowhere, bellowed "YOU LIAR!!!!" and sent Cartman flying across the room with an Expelliarmus spell.

"Try telling that to Harry Potter!" laughed the cashier.

Cartman had to haul 182 shopping bags of presents all the way back home. It took 6 hours to get back because they were so heavy.

Then Cartman thought of something. How would he be able to deliver all the presents on Christmas Eve by himself? Surely he'd need someone to help him. And just then he had the perfect someone in mind.

Later, Butters came round. He walked into Cartman's room and asked what was going on.

Cartman said "Butters, I can't deliver all those presents on Christmas Eve on my own, I need your help."

"What exactly do you need me to do?" asked Butters.

"I need you to be my elf," said Cartman. "I need you to travel with me on Christmas Eve and help me deliver all the presents. I chose you because no one else likes me."

Then Butters explained "Well, maybe no one else likes you because you're fat, and you pick on Jewish people, and you—"

"What did you say?!" interrupted Cartman.

"I said yeah, sure, I'll help you on Christmas Eve," replied Butters.

"Oh, THANK YOU Butters!" thanked Cartman with relief. "Just imagine how hard it would have been to get the job done by myself!"

"Hey, no problem," answered Butters. "But won't we need a sleigh?"

"Oh yeah, a sleigh!" remembered Cartman. "I've been designing one myself. Look, I'll show it to you."

Cartman took Butters down to the garage and showed him the sleigh.

"Here it is!" presented Cartman, pointing to an old wooden sledge with lights, bells and cardboard wings on it. "What do you think?"

"I'd say that I doubt that piece of junk is gonna get us anywhere," said Butters.

"WHAT? Are YOU dissin' my masterpiece of engineering? AH WILL KICK YOU IN THE BALLS!" yelled Cartman.


	6. Chapter 6: Christmas Eve

Chapter 6: Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve, 10.00pm. Cartman and Butters snuck out of their bedrooms and met each other down the street. Butters had the 'sleigh' ready with all the presents on the back.

"We haven't had time to try and make this thing fly, so we'll have to be quick," said Butters. "We'll have to get all these presents delivered as soon as possible because this piece of junk sleigh won't hold them all forever. You'll have to drag the sleigh with the rope at the front, and I'll walk behind to make sure the presents don't fall off."

"Got it," said Cartman. "Let's go."

The two set off down the dark street with the sleigh. Cartman thought it was really heavy to pull, what made it heavier was the stuff they'd need to get into the houses.

Cartman and Butters stopped at Stan's house first. Butters got the ladder off the sleigh and told Cartman to use it to climb onto the roof of the house. Cartman climbed up with the bag of Stan's presents, reached the top and jumped into the chimney. But he got stuck half way through.

"Hey!" called Cartman in a low whisper. "Little help here?"

Butters climbed up the ladder and onto the roof. He tried pushing Cartman down the chimney but it didn't work.

"If you did more exercise maybe you'd fit through!" suggested Butters.

"Shut up!" answered Cartman.

Butters started jumping up and down on Cartman instead. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" yelled Cartman in the quietest whisper he could do.

"I think this is working!" replied Butters. Suddenly Cartman fell through the chimney at last and landed at the bottom with a thud.

Butters looked down the chimney.

"I'm okay, Butters!" quietly confirmed Cartman, giving the thumbs up sign.

Cartman crept into Stan's living room and placed his presents under the tree.

"_One down, only 181 more kids to go," _thought Cartman.

Cartman took some Wolverine-grappling claws out of his pocket, put them on his hands and used them to climb back up the chimney. They made a lot of noise damaging the inside of the chimney but fortunately he didn't wake anyone in the house up.

Cartman and Butters went to Kenny's house next, but his house didn't have a chimney so Cartman had to fight his way through vicious rats and cockroach infestations in order to deliver the presents.

Next up was Kyle's house. Wait a minute, KYLE'S house? Then Cartman remembered something.

"Jews don't celebrate Christmas," said Cartman. "So come on Butters, let's just go."

"Wait, stop!" said Butters, stopping Cartman. "We can't just leave him on his own with nothing but a talking piece of poo for Christmas. We've got to give him something!"

"Sorry, Butters. My decision is final," declared Cartman. "Let's go. I might have a present with his name on it in the sleigh, but I won't be delivering it."

Next they did Bebe's house. Then Wendy's. Token's after that. After they'd delivered all the presents to everyone in South Park, they still wondered if they should give any to Kyle or not.

"Come on, Cartman. It's getting lighter and it will be morning soon," worried Butters. "We've got to give Kyle something because everyone else has presents."

"For the last time, Jews DON'T CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS," declared Cartman. "He'll have to learn to live with it. Still, look on the bright side. We did it! We delivered all the presents to all the kids in South Park! Now all that's left to do is mail the remaining leftover presents to Denver. They might not get theirs till tomorrow afternoon but who cares."

Butters had an idea. While Cartman was over at the mailbox, Butters took Kyle's present from the sleigh and ran to Kyle's house. This was the only present Cartman wasn't going to deliver this year, so Butters would have to deliver it himself.

Butters climbed up the drainpipe and onto the roof, and dropped Kyle's present down the chimney. Mission accomplished.

Butters quickly ran back to the sleigh just as Cartman walked back from the mailbox. That was close.

"Cartman, I was thinking…did we deliver the RIGHT presents?" wondered Butters. "Did you read the labels?"

"Good question," replied Cartman. "We'll find out if our work paid off tomorrow morning. I bet everyone's gonna be so pleased!"

**But ARE THEY?**


	7. Chapter 7: Conclusion

Chapter 7: Conclusion

Morning, 8.00am. Cartman was woken by someone knocking on his front door. He ran downstairs immediately.

"_Yes!" _he thought as he put his hand on the door handle ready to open it. _"They've all come to thank me for doing such a great job! This is gonna be good!"_

But when he opened the door, he didn't get the greeting he was expecting. All the kids in South Park were stood on his front yard with angry faces. Butters was there too.

Cartman looked at them all and said "Let me guess…I've f(bleep)ed it up, haven't I?"

"You're DAMN RIGHT you f(bleep)ed it up, fatass!" yelled Stan from the crowd. "We all have the wrong presents! I got a Hannah Montana pencil case!"

All the kids showed Cartman their wrong presents. Most of the boys had girly stuff. Some of the kids had presents that were meant for the adults! The only kid who seemed pleased with his present was Kenny, who got an X-rated porn DVD. "Thanks, Cartman!" he called from the crowd.

"I got _Barbie Horse Adventures_!" yelled Kyle. "You've really done it now!"

"What the hell…BUTTERS!!!!" shouted Cartman. "I told you NOT to give Kyle his present! Jews don't celebrate Christmas!"

"Well if YOU had written labels on all the presents at least I'd have given him the RIGHT one!" answered Butters. "I've had enough of you! You suck!"

Butters grabbed two toy swords off Rebecca and Lola and threw one to Cartman. "If this is how Christmas Day must be, then so be it!" announced Butters. "En garde, fatso!"

The kids circled Cartman and Butters to watch them fight. Cartman tried to lunge at Butters but Butters dodged out of the way. "Looks like you need more exercise!" taunted Butters. Butters swung at Cartman but Cartman counter attacked and had Butters on the floor. Butters took this as an opportunity to kick Cartman in an "awkward place". Cartman staggered backwards in pain, cussing under his breath and Butters got back up and knocked him to the ground with one strike.

"Are you going to apologise to everyone for giving them the wrong presents?" asked Butters, with his sword pointed at Cartman's neck.

"Wait a minute," butted in Stan, pointing at the horizon. "Who are THEY?"

Hundreds of kids were making their way towards South Park. They sure didn't look happy! Butters put his sword down to look.

"Oh no…" said Cartman as he got back up. "It's the Denver kids!"

The Denver kids marched over to Cartman.

"WHERE'S OUR PRESENTS?!" demanded one of them.

"Calm down, ladies!" reassured Cartman. "You'll get them in a few days. I had to mail them to you since it was getting late…and it was pretty dark…I'm not sure if I could even see where I was going…"

"WHAT'S ALL THIS?" asked one of the Denver kids who was pointing to a huge pile of presents in a garbage bin.

Cartman looked stunned. His jaw dropped in disbelief as everyone glared at him.

"OH SH*TCAKES" he said.

Bebe looked at Cartman and Butters' toy swords lying on the floor. She went over and picked them up.

"Hey…these are actually pretty cool," she said. "So what if I didn't get the present I actually wanted?"

"Wendy, catch!" she said as she threw one to Wendy.

"How about we teach Fatboy a lesson?" announced Wendy. "Let's grab the presents out of that garbage bin and throw them at him!"

All the kids suddenly had evil smirks on their faces as they looked at Cartman. Cartman knew he was done for now. He decided to run away as the kids went over to the garbage bin.

Stan suddenly noticed that Cartman was getting away.

"Hurry, he's getting away! After him!" he exclaimed.

Everyone stormed off after Cartman, throwing things at him, leaving Kenny just standing there.

"Aw, C'MOOOON!" said Kenny. "At least he didn't give ME the wrong present!" He looked very pleased.

**THE END**

**Looks like Cartman wasn't cut out for delivery work in the first place! And so the real Santa was eventually found and he punished Cartman by not giving him any presents the following year, whilst all the other kids got double presents for compensation. **

_**Merry Christmas everybody!**_


End file.
